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agenda loss.
i suffer a constant cycle of not planning enough ahead of time because i will probably KMS and then being too chicken (too scared to hurt the feelings of like 4 people) to do it so then i feel bad again and i just want to find a loophole out of this misery! lately i loathe every interaction i have, even with my favorite people.
i went almost 2 whole months feeling really Good but then it faded and felt like it was all for nothing. i want to do more fun drugs that make my brain happy and make me feel like my life has a purpose.

i asked for one thing for my birthday and didn’t get it. it was simply to go out and take some pictures. i should have asked again to be a reminder but i didn’t. i’ve never been good at speaking up for myself.

i never know what to do. i never have. i feel so clueless and afraid. i hate the state of my finances right now. i tried (kind of) to get a 2nd job but then she never texted me back so i just gave up. my current job works me too much anyway, there wouldn’t even really be time for a second job right now. i just want more money. NEED more money. most of my current situation isn’t even my fault and i hate it. i wish i could go back in time. i would probably still be depressed but i’d also probably have more money. i hate money. i hate materialism. i feel a lot of hate and i Hate That Too.

people complain to me a lot at my job and i hate them for it. i hate a lot of things a lot. i want things to be better but deep down i know they’ll never be the way i want them. i’m not smart or brave enough to fix anything.

maybe i just need to cry it out and toughen up.
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i have most of the stuff done for the book but i still don't know how to publish it..... i'll probably end up using blurb even though that's not what i want to use, it seems to be the most convenient and cheapest option. ideally i would like to hand-assemble everything but i don't have the money to invest in materials. maybe if there are any people who take interest in it........ but i shouldn't be too optimistic for that. i still don't even know if i have the bravery to show my most vulnerable state.. but i feel like i should do it as a way of, i don't know, coping? coming to terms? maybe i'm being extremely naive in thinking that what i'm doing is artistic in the least - to think of what i'm doing as an Artistic Statement of some sort. i'm barely proficient at basic drawing & painting and i feel as though i'm not a very creative person, although people have told me i am, i notice people who are much more creatively adept.

why do i detest everything i do / say / make / think ???

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i need to find a proper balance between adoration/admiration and cold hard bitch -ness
i can't keep being over emotional
i hate how this hidden anxiety likes to creep through at the worst possible times. i probably seem so weak. maybe i am. i hate feeling weak.     i am an infinite, uncontrollable rollercoaster  

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i feel like my brain is eating me alive
and i feel alone and helpless
and it's all my fault
because i can't open up
because i don't know why
i can't properly express myself
i'm creatively stunted
emotionally handicapped
and i feel so afraid and i don't know of what
and i get angrier than i ever used to
and i can't pinpoint why
i can't remember anything well at all
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i'm moving in a month
to a place where there are some familiars
but mostly unfamiliars

next summer i will start a garden there
the change of scenery will be most welcomed
my mind is as open as all the oceans

nothing ever comes to mind when it's time to write but sometimes it's like there's subti
tles being flashed before my life
especially when there is music playing
the lyrics and the
juxtaposition


.
..
.


to be continued
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i act like a child i feel like a child i am a child i want children but children shouldn't have children but i don't want to let go of the childlike feelings but this childlike behavior has got to take a break unless i get a hysterectomy then will i be a child again?

children are so innocent but impressionable and prodigious and honest unless they are ruined
and they are so easily ruined
and so often ruined
and so repeatedly and repeatedly and repeatedly and repeatedly and repeatedly ruined

and oh, how i tried to remember my childhood
and a lot of it i do
there were a lot of good things and i can
i can almost remember a few of my conscious thoughts

like how i would take photographic memories and realize that
okay
this is the oldest i have ever been, today
this is the here and the now and the present day
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shivering swelling skin swells subtly surrounding her humble human hamstring hair
sssssshhhhh


constantly out-of-body
they're on to me
they keep following

lingering endlessly
room lit fluorescent-ly
like drama tv

i am no personnel
there is nothing to fill
no reason to till



i have no person. there can never be anything disturbing my person because i'm not a person. i am a lingering cloud of thoughts of observations of the life of insignificant people on an insignificant place in the universe. will humans grow to be more or less emotional? are emotions a hindrance or are they, in fact, the core advantage of being alive? does logic trump emotions, always? why is there an eternal struggle between what is permanent and unchangeable (i.e. genetics/"nature", logic) and things that are perhaps subjective and malleable (i.e. environment/"nurture", emotional bias)? how can anyone really "know" for sure the true happenings of history, when the human memory is so incredibly fragile and fleeting and fallible? 

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My personalDNA Report

you are an experiencer


  • Your inquisitive nature, imagination, and hands-on practicality make you an EXPERIENCER.



  • Although you have an active imagination, you also concern yourself with the functional elements of things.



  • You are willing to experiment to find things that work the most efficiently.



  • Getting stuck in certain habits is boring to you—you'd rather find new experiences.



  • Accordingly, experiences are more important to you than objects—you'd rather spend your money and energy on events and adventures than on material things.



  • You like to contemplate a lot of options before making a decision, and you're willing and able to consider a lot of different angles to problems.



  • You're open to suggestions, and often rely on others to assess the merit of those suggestions.



  • You have an ability to see the big picture—not just how things are, but how they could be—in a variety of situations.



  • You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.



  • You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.


If you want to be different:


  • Have faith that your imagination and practicality will complement each other, and lead to good decisions on your part.



  • Take the initiative in seeking things out—don't wait for them to come to you.


how you relate to others

you are considerate


  • You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.



  • You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.



  • You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.



  • Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.



  • Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.



  • Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.



  • You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.



  • Your close friends know you as a good listener.


If you want to be different:


  • Because other people would benefit immensely from your understanding and insight, you should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make you uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what you have to say!


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Whatever You Love, You Are - Dirty Three
Ocean Songs - Dirty Three
Dowsing Anemone with Copper Tongue - Kayo Dot
Ys - Joanna Newsom
Horses In The Sky - Thee Silver Mt. Zion
Hospice - The Antlers
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i always drop the covered knife on something unsanitary.
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the cold, forgotten daughter
is cold
because they turn the heat down low at night
in order to pay
medical bills

medical bills
medical bills

in order to pay
to sane their other
insane daughter
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